The Work of Dating
The one where I prove that dating in 2025 is now mathematically impossible
Abstract
Through rigorous quantitative analysis of 47,293 dating app swipes, 892 ejaculate samples, 307 harvested eggs, and 14 million lines of proprietary algorithm code I obtained through Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) requests, I demonstrate that modern dating has become biologically and mathematically impossible for 98.3% of the human population. My findings reveal that the convergence of hypercompetitive sperm evolution, adversarial AI matching systems, and what I term "quantum entanglement rejection cascades" has created an unprecedented crisis in human pair bonding. Most disturbingly, I provide evidence that dating apps have begun deploying "kamikaze algorithm clusters" specifically designed to prevent successful matches, while simultaneously triggering epigenetic changes that reduce sperm motility by up to 73% within 48 hours of app installation.
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